Last month, Jordan Oram and I had an incredibly inspiring conversation about collaboration and individual creativity. In the middle of this discussion, I told him of a frustrating experience I was having with a colleague.
“A person should know how to manage basic social interaction by the time they reach 35,” I told him.
Should!
He stopped me. I don’t like should he said. It implies judgment. “Why would I insist that people know how to do certain things by certain ages? Maybe that is just not what their life experience or ability has brought them to yet.”
This of course lead to a longer conversation about should.
Should reflects the self
Should is a reflection of the values and expectations of the should-er rather than any real measurement of the should-ee. I want my colleagues to meet deadlines, because I end up having to work harder and feel more stressed if they don’t. I want my friends to make an equal effort in our relationships, because then I feel valued. I want my students to be valued by their teachers, because I connect with them and want to see them succeed.
It’s not wrong to want what you want. It is, however, important to realize that your wants won’t necessarily line up with what the world and other people have to offer.
That doesn’t mean I have to give my colleague a pass. Or that I have to put up with waiting around for a friend who won’t show up. It means I need to take responsibility for my own reaction and feelings and communicate them effectively.
What gets in the way of effective communication?
Effective communication is without anger. It is aimed at finding solutions. It is not judgmental.
Why? Because you can’t expect another person to meet your needs if you haven’t told them what you need.
What happens when the should is aimed at the self?
I hear people shoulding themselves all the time in all facets of their lives.
Such as:
I should have a higher objective in my life.
I should have my business plan in place.
I should be more ahead with my blogging.
I should work out every day.
I should go to sleep earlier.
What do these shoulds accomplish?
Nothing worthwhile.
When you should yourself, you tell yourself you’re not doing the right thing. Your values aren’t the right values. You’re not doing enough, and whatever you do isn’t good enough.
When I hear myself shoulding I immediately know that this is a sign thatt there is a conflict in me that needs to be resolved. It tells me I am uncomfortable with something and need to address that conflict directly through honesty and communication.
You’re better off writing everything down, making a list or diagram or mind map of all the things you want and then find ways of making them happen.
When you should, you devalue yourself.
None of this is helpful to you in either finding a higher objective or in reaching your goals, because you’re tearing yourself down. How much better off would we all be if we could focus, instead, on what we have accomplished and showed a bit of patience? Why not have faith in ourselves and believe that what we want will happen. We can do it. We are more than capable.
Try it yourself. What are the shoulds in your life and how would you address them with this in mind?
indeed. I stopped the “i should attitude”, replacing it by the “i want to” and it has proved healthy. not that i have stopped shoulding completely (how to free oneself from a solid judeo-christian heritage plus a whole life education?) as it provides some guidance…but when we replace the should by the want, we become freer, we keep the child inside us and allow it to play, we become kinder to ourselves, me make space. And what can grow in that space is priceless. I usually laugh on self help books but this one “Your error zones” (Im not sure about the exact title translation) really made me think otherwise, I can really recommend it. Thanks Leigh for your good blogging!
MeryLop Thanks as always for your comment. It’s funny you bring up the self help. I was a bit unsure of this post because it is such a self helpy thing to say. In many ways, it stems from some other recently conversations I’ve been having about Neurolingistic programming. That what we say is inherently tied to what we do.
I’ll check out the Error Zones book. What language are you reading it in and what is the title?
cloudheadART MeryLop
I read it in Spanish: “Tus zonas erroneas”. It is easy to read with no repetitions and no non sense. its pratical and we can all put into practice the advice. Yes wen I say I want to instead of I should, its already funnier and lighter. I want to master Lightroom and create narratives with photography….I want to take care of my body and give it the exercise and health it deserves…..:-) since I want, I will do it!
MeryLop Seems like a good book for me in Spanish, because I want to improve my grammar. 🙂
I think it’s also the difference between using “can” and “will.” One questions your ability whereas the other supposes a thing already will be, it’s just a matter of when.
The should taboo is something that is really blocking communication for me – for the wrong reasons. People try and make me feel guilty for using the word “should” even when it is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Here is an example:
I said “You should always put the content of a email attachment like this in the body of the email (it was a leaflet) otherwise you force the user to launch a separate application to view the message.” The email hadn’t been sent yet and we hadn’t even agreed who would send it so no one was being criticized.
I got stopped by two members of the should police saying “You should never say should” and I said “But you just said it!”. But still, some how I was still in the wrong! I was transported into a Monty Python sketch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIaORknS1Dk
I could word the statement differently
“You might like to put the content of in the email otherwise you force the user to launch a separate application to view the message.”
This is verging on the passive aggressive but wouldn’t trigger the “should” police. It just might make people think they are bad because they don’t want to do it by I obviously want them to want to do.
We complain about politicians switching to the passive voice whenever something has gone wrong. “Mistakes were made.” rather than “I made a mistake and I am sorry”. The taboo around the use of the word should is doing exactly this in certain communities. Yes there are plenty of places where it is inappropriate and is used to imply guilt and shame but the same effect can be achieved just by the tone of one’s voice so expunging “should” from the vocabulary serves no purpose at all. In fact it is dangerous because it makes us think we have removed the emotional pressure when we haven’t at all.
rogerhyam
thefutureisred rogerhyam I agree but saying “Please don’t attach…” makes it sound like it is just my preference when it isn’t just my preference. Effectively it removes my ability to express that nuance whether or not one might agree on what is or isn’t correct – another miniscula step to newspeak.
In writing it would be fun to have a character who never express any absolute value about anything, another who only epressed absolute values and one, perhaps, who expressed them about other people but not themselves. Perhaps you could do it by simply banning certain words from each characters vocabulary.
rogerhyam So my question is, in an e-mail or day-to-day communication, would that nuance of whether it’s your preference or whether it’s better matter when asking for someone to follow instructions. Particularly if you include an explanation of why you want a thing that certain way?
That would make for an interesting writing exercise. It would shape the character and I suspect the entire piece of writing.
Have you tried writing something like that? Or have you ever tried writing a piece about yourself or your life that doesn’t include any “I” or “me”. It’s difficult.
It’s an interesting way to keep ourselves about the words we use and why we use them. It’s easy to allow ourselves to be lazy with words, because we use them every day.